Something bout
cutting my grapefruit
with my dull
old curved knife
brings me to your kitchen of
not sharp knives but love.
12.30.2010
tension
In the dream, I was walking around at the reunion. Ambling slowly from room to room and house to house, greeting people, shaking hands or maybe a kiss on the cheek, having a glass of wine, helping to accommodate our guests and make them feel welcome. Finding everyone settled and talking with old friends, I wandered outside, in and amongst people playing badminton, picnicking, lying on blankets in the grass under the sun. I headed up a steep hill, toward a sunny meadow at the top. Climbed and climbed. Struggled and slipped a bit at the very top, where it became quite steep and gravelly. A hand grasped mine and pulled me up. It was Jim. I hugged him and looked out over the vista, the people enjoying the reunion, then collapsed on the grass in a patch of sun. Jim walked down the other side of the hill and came back with a glass of wine for me. Lay down next to me with his head on my chest. Long moments passed this way, in the sun. Eventually I raised his head and kissed him strong. He said we should not.
12.29.2010
anxiety
In the dream, I was shopping at the small grocery store in the town here I grew up, where my parents still live. I was buying food to feed my family, not a lot, but staples that we needed. I had no money at all, and was planning to purchase the food with a credit card that was not my own.
When I reached the cashier, we recognized each other from high school. She rang up my groceries and then asked if I wanted to sign up for something. I said sure, and she said just one moment and walked away to get something she needed. I had not yet paid for my groceries. People started lining up behind me with their carts and baskets. It took her a long time to come back. The guy in line behind me became agitated with waiting.
Finally the cashier came back and she took the credit card. She swiped it, still chatting with me about whatever it was I had signed up for. The transaction went through and the receipt began to print out. The cashier walked around her register to give me the receipt. She came very close to me, leaned in and whispered good luck right in my ear.
As I walked through the door of the grocery store, my stomach sank. I knew before I even looked that my car had been stolen. Sure enough, it was not where I had left it. I walked around the parking lot to be sure. But my car was gone.
When I reached the cashier, we recognized each other from high school. She rang up my groceries and then asked if I wanted to sign up for something. I said sure, and she said just one moment and walked away to get something she needed. I had not yet paid for my groceries. People started lining up behind me with their carts and baskets. It took her a long time to come back. The guy in line behind me became agitated with waiting.
Finally the cashier came back and she took the credit card. She swiped it, still chatting with me about whatever it was I had signed up for. The transaction went through and the receipt began to print out. The cashier walked around her register to give me the receipt. She came very close to me, leaned in and whispered good luck right in my ear.
As I walked through the door of the grocery store, my stomach sank. I knew before I even looked that my car had been stolen. Sure enough, it was not where I had left it. I walked around the parking lot to be sure. But my car was gone.
12.26.2010
moon sand
waterfalls
count by five
see how kind i am?
skip and flip
oddish
please be my friend.
stay quietly in the zone
and follow the rules
put out your decorative
and disobliging bath towels
that shower curtain
the light in that bathroom
gives me ideas
there you are.
munchlax is now your friend.
12.22.2010
small moments matter
Maybe it's the approaching holidays, or the wistful brevity of daylight, but I am feeling the strong desire to focus inward, on kids, family, light, love, all that. All the good. Here is a poem I wrote a while back for my friend Nichole, as part of her Small Moments Mondays series. I wanted to see it again, to feel it again. So here it is. It's called Small Moments.
regular worries
time well spent
effort expended
are we bright enough
are we bold enough
money
money
money
you say people are horrible
you live in darkness
for me
racing thoughts
fleeting anxieties
give way to small moments
sweetness and light
half full
our daily soundtrack
humming
beeping
chirping
whistling
(an inappropriate tune)
paper dolls meet scenery
with a happy song
fight song
victory song
living in an art house
(never stop drawing)
big words
big ideas
big plans
kiss me
kiss kirby
kiss yoshi
kiss purple lamby
kiss me
butterfly kiss
eskimo kiss
forever kiss
crinkled nose
kisses
window silhouettes
(see me)
sharing words
reading aloud
snuggle up
my face entangled
in whisper fine hair
lulled by sweetness
dozing off
you arouse me
urgently
your hair in my eyes
i embrace you
hazy dream
wakened
little voices
and it begins again
hurt one cries
mama I liked you holding me
you say people are horrible
you dwell in darkness
from my place of light
i can be strong enough
strong for her
strong for them
for you
for us.
12.21.2010
12.20.2010
12.19.2010
my shramana
i come to you
like a mendicant
on my knees
begging
teach me
heal me
fix me
i am a broken toy
in the corner
waiting
to be discarded
so what happened?
you.
12.17.2010
musing, also
glance
indulgently
imagine me
imagining you
fits of happy
delirious
dizzy waves
over and over
ah like that
you make me
feel smart.
12.16.2010
your letters
My grandmother's poem for a wistful evening.
I wish I'd time to miss you--but my days
Are full of other things.
You thought that when you'd gone,
I'd need you and I'd call you back.
I thought so too. But now it seems
Those things I loved the most--
Your eyes, your voice, your smile--
I still have in your letters
Telling me that it's you
Who take your turn at needing me.
12.15.2010
crazy diamond
how does one
string pretty words
together
when in need of
remediation?
revise
rectify
repair
redoubt
redonkulous
resist
refuse
recover
relish
shine on
ooooh shimmer
make me shine
shine baby
shine.
12.14.2010
involuntary
reaching
an uneasy
amity, armistice
file under weirdness, it's all we
can do
it's all
i can do, to
keep waiting for you and
again it goes round in my head
touching
your arm
touching your leg
reaching across to reach
but remember, no jake braking
keeping
secrets
bombazine love
at risk of squattening
we declare fair enough and ride
sunset
sunrise
new day dawns on
another compromise
piling worlds on words and getting
stronger
sunrise
bombazine love
reaching across to reach
again it goes round in my head
reaching.
12.12.2010
spring creek
the hundred year flood
made me an island onto myself
reaching down inside
to retrieve a memory, or a sign
of how to survive
coming up empty
branches, then trees
dog houses, cars, swimming pools
sailing past my island
picking my guitar up off the floor
for when the water rushed in
what else could i do?
alone with the elements
cats looking to me for guidance
but i had none
we had to just wait it out
as the water rose
next morning, ice covered everything
tree roots now exposed
like arms reaching up from the earth
glistening ivory bones
having escaped their imprisonment
as i had escaped mine.
12.11.2010
horror for the holidays
She could see that tab amidst the chaos on her computer screen, behind emails, spreadsheets, documents. One new gmail message. Click.
Auction ended! Thank you for your purchase of Horror Eyeballs!
That wasn't on the holiday shopping list.
Auction ended! Thank you for your purchase of Horror Eyeballs!
That wasn't on the holiday shopping list.
She picked up the phone and dialed her husband. "Did you buy horror eyeballs on Ebay?"
"Oh, yeah," he replied. "I have an idea about sending them to Maryssa for her Christmas present."
"Oh, okay. I was just checking to make sure our Paypal account wasn't hijacked."
"Nah, it's all fine."
"Okay. Is spaghetti okay with you for dinner?"
"Sure, love you."
"Love you back. Talk to you later."
Later, after dinner and pajamas and brushing teeth and stories and bedtime for kids, she reflected on her husband sending horror eyeballs to his online girlfriend in Hollywood for Christmas. The horror eyeballs that look like real eyeballs, ripped out of someone's actual skull.
"So, what's your idea for Maryssa's present?"
"Well, I thought I'd put hooks in them to make them into tree ornaments. Or maybe earrings."
Pause. "You're spending twenty-five bucks on horror eyeballs for Maryssa for Christmas. I wasn't planning to spend twenty-five bucks on you."
"Well, you can't buy just one eyeball."
12.09.2010
12.08.2010
in the hole
filling
me up then down
with you in the trenches
comrade at arms, we fight this war
baffled.
12.07.2010
cinquain for privilege
sometimes
i want to yell
jesus, what is WRONG with you!
really i mean: is something wrong
with me?
12.06.2010
everything
is all right
we are gonna be fine
i am not crazy
and neither are you
let's kiss again
and again
wrap yourself around me
and let's fly
our chariot awaits.
12.05.2010
12.04.2010
out damn spot
standing
in the water
watching the blood rise, like
wine pooling in the wee washcloth
below
spigot wide open, truth rushes
to the surface, a whole
nother reason
to hide.
12.02.2010
done talking
retreatto avoid talk that ends like this:so then i am crazy?well, i've said thatbefore.
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