Concentric circles
on Spring Creek
outside a bathroom window--
a woman perches on a clawfoot tub,
her mouth reflected in the beveled mirror
above an ancient pedestal sink,
incanting into the telephone:
No, listen. No--
She is beautiful, as is the rain
reflected on the roof--
Mama Zen asked the Real Toads to contribute to the constructing of a Toad House in 48 words or less. I decided to re-write and condense a long, rambling thingy from a couple years back.
I read this and then went back and read your original. Hard to say which I preferred. This one is tight and leaves more to the reader to imagine, while the other tells a powerful story. Great job on both!
ReplyDeleteI'm amazed how much can be conveyed in 48 words. Here the setting is integral to the character, and the three words of phone conversation open another door on her life. Just so much to ponder here.
ReplyDeleteAn intriguing piece, Marian... opens a lot of possibilities and stories...
ReplyDeleteI'm still thinking about this...
You got me puzzled ...
ReplyDeleteI love all the rich detail. It was the beveled mirror that really out me there. And the phone snippet just opens the door a tiny crack onto a much larger story going on. Love this love this love this.
ReplyDeletePUT me there, not "out" me there. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteThe image in the creek, in the mirror, in the phone all resonate from this beauty, I think, and she is aware--not of an anthropomorphism--but of a relationship. Very fine.
ReplyDeleteLove it - the rain, the claw foot tub, the conversation. One wants more. Maybe link to the original longer version?
ReplyDeleteGorgeous details! I've always wanted a clawfoot tub and a pedestal sink.
ReplyDeleteI adore the original, too, Marian. "Remembering a moment of strength" and the repeated "I am beautiful". Awesome!
ReplyDeletethank you, Sherry, you're kind to insist that i link to it and for liking it, more than once :) the other is too something, too long or incantation-like or something, for me. but it does include a reference to age and motherhood that's missing from this one. so, hmmmmmm.
DeleteNot only sets a scene but a story as well....to bad we only have 48 words, this one could be interesting. Loved it.
ReplyDeleteShe is beautiful... must be, otherwise this poem would not have found inspiration. So many details create a complete, sweet picture.
ReplyDeleteLord, the first one is so good marian! Such a rain-dripping sweet flow. Yes it rambles, but so does a river, reflecting, twisting with the forces that propel it. I liked the mystery of the shorter version, and the strong sense of identity in both.
ReplyDeletethank you, i appreciate your read of the first. hard for me to like that one. but if it rambles like the river nearby that cabin, maybe. :)
DeleteWonderful concrete details convey the scene so well. Lots of story to imagine here. It is interesting what we can do when we re-edit something to make it fit a word count. Good job here.
ReplyDeleteI will have a claw foot tub some day. And i think her bathroom sounds wonderful... she needs to ban that phone from it and relax :)
ReplyDeleteI love this one and I agree, so much said, in so few words!
ReplyDeleteWell done :D
I love them both. This one is short yet says so much, but I love all the details in the longer one also.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this, such succinct beauty
ReplyDeleteOh, cool, Marian....you zeroed in on something really very intriguing and intricate!! The concentric circles really work...it has the bulls eye effect of pulling one to the center of your focal point of details and everything else melts away. SO cool.
ReplyDeleteSuch a vivid scene in few words. Bravo!
ReplyDeletegosh, i'm glad everyone likes this, and thanks for your kind words.
ReplyDeletei'm a bit surprised, especially about the earlier one. which, to be honest, reads all self-indulgent to me. :)
Rain reflected on the roof .. the sound of rain on a tin roof ~~ heavenly. I enjoyed your poem.
ReplyDeleteThere is something very vivid here even in its brevity. A lovely portrait-- all the ripples, even in the mirror. K.
ReplyDeletethank you, friends :)
ReplyDeletethe rain sounds like release
ReplyDeletebeautiful imagery