When all the wrong
songs are awkwardly played,
laid down like liquid tracks,
cracks in a sidewalk-sodden Night
rightly forgotten and buried
very deep,
creeping out from under,
wondering why
Sky is empty of color--
duller time’d prevail, you’d guess.
Unless you come to understand,
hand to swollen mouth,
doubted no one then, epitaph
half-obscured: He Took His Life.
Might those words be misunderstood?
Should they'd Sing, when they’re all wrong.
Hedgewitch has challenged the Real Toads to write a poem using interlocking rhyme, where where the last syllable or syllables of one line rhyme with the first syllable or syllables of the next.
Great flow in this, Marian...it has a distinctly somber tone and I had no idea where it was going so this:
ReplyDelete"Sky is empty of color--
duller time’d prevail, you’d guess.
Unless you come to understand,
hand to swollen mouth,"
felt like a turning point to me...bringer of intrigue.
:)
Your title sets up this investigation into a life, a way of living, and of dying. What I most admire in your writing is that you never balk at tackling the hard topics, and you do so with compassion for the flawed nature of humanity, without capitulating on your standpoint.
ReplyDeleteI agree, it tackles a difficult topic with compassion. Well done on the form.
ReplyDeleteOH! One of the hardest places to write from. Lately images have been arising in me from the depths of despair (that I lived through twice and watched too many friends approach) and I've been toying with and avoiding writing from because . . . but Your poem went there like a punch in the stomach and it was welcome to feel the enormity of that truth from the outside. How you wrapped it into this form! Must have taken years. I'm still writing, rewriting, trying to make it flow more natural to me. This is powerful!
ReplyDeletemarian, this is an excellent exploration of the form in free verse--which I was hoping people would tackle, because while I wrote mine in a really tight format, I think the chained rhyme really could make some excellent semi-free verse as well, as you do here. The staccato phrases suit the subject matter I think, neither too short, nor too involved, but hinting at a deeper complexity.'Buried/very deep' really tolls like a bell and shows the echoing nature of the chain, and 'cracks in a side-walk sodden Night' brings it home that this is more than the average meandering verse, rather something that is going to make the reader dig deep. I hope you got something out of this form, marian--you used it very well.
ReplyDeleteHannah quoted my favorite lines too ~ Good work on the form Marian ~
ReplyDeleteHappy Sunday ~
I just read Aaron Swartz's obituary in "The Economist". Your poem would be a wonderful post-script.
ReplyDeleteThat's exactly where this started. The italicized phrase was from an article about his death. Such a weird expression.
DeleteThis is a great use of the form.
ReplyDeleteMarian - this is a very powerful poem - especially, for me, the beginning - the songs awkwardly played, the liquid tracks in the cracks. Really well done - also the form so subtle here but rings right a long - almost like the bell on your runaway typewriter. k.
ReplyDeleteLove that line, 'sky empty of color' And the form really adds to, but doesn't run, your poem.
ReplyDeleteThe first two lines sound like so many funerals I've attended. A fantastic write, Marian.
ReplyDeleteK
Oh it certainly has the flow chained rhyme should bring! :)
ReplyDeleteThis flows so smoothly and I felt each emotion..excellent poem.
ReplyDeletethanks, everyone. this was super-challenging! i'm going to try it again. i think. :)
ReplyDeleteLove it! Wonderful cadence. My favorite passage is
ReplyDelete"Unless you come to understand,
hand to swollen mouth,
doubted no one then, epitaph
half-obscured: He Took His Life."
Well done!
ah, thanks. yours are grand as well, inspiring!
Delete