4.21.2012

admonition

A hole in your psyche can be painful
so keep those eyelids open, clear the smoke.
Always be aware of what's around you--

can't be too careful, even for a joke.
Comedians can be damn disdainful.

What's so funny anyway? He's found you
lying on the bathroom floor, eyes lustered,
an undulating ceiling centipede
having shocked you, frozen in fear, flustered.
It's his betrayal, more, that astounds you.


Why won't he try to meet your blissful need?
If he's warm-blooded American male
he oughtta bring it to you by trainful
without demand. The moral of this tale?
Eyes on the prize, or be prepared to bleed.

Kerry's weekend mini-challenge for the Real Toads is to write a variation of the Envelope Stanza. This one is an Envelope Quintet.

13 comments:

  1. Wowzers! Great poem, Marian. You rose to the challenge masterfully. Love the tale, the form and especially those last two killer lines.

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  2. You have done such a marvelous job. It is a harsh, but needed admonition. (I am so terrible with rhyme that I had to write mine in the open letter form.)

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  3. It can be painful to have someone laugh at, or dismiss, one's fears. I love the way you work a form: the rhyme and line length is always spot on, but your phrasing always takes centre stage, so the form becomes a subtle frame for the main idea - as it should be.

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  4. Everyone's a comedian,as they say--perhaps to cover up their own holes by pointing people elsewhere. Deft and ringing way this works into the brain. I love that second stanza--I can feel my stomach slowly rolling as the room revolves. Great stuff here, Marian.

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  5. i like the content of this as well as the creative structure, and that final line... :) x

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  6. ahh thanks friends. kind of a weird one.

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  7. Great take on the challenge, your rhyme flows smoothly! Dark but enjoyable!

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  8. Very well done. I tried, but just couldn't manage it right now. Love that you did three stanzas.
    K

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  9. hey, thanks. weird and challenging!

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  10. I love the ending, how it all tied the thoughts together~
    Great job, it says so much in so few!

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  11. his betrayal... nice job with this challenge... you not only rhymed and kept the structure, you thread a bit of moodiness into it.

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  12. thank you! pretty challenging, this one :)

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